


Big Dick Chakra

by Ramengan



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2020-06-24 11:53:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19723141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ramengan/pseuds/Ramengan
Summary: Team Seven find themselves trapped in the Infinite Tsukuyomi. It's a little more ... persuasive ... than they expected.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This entire thing is basically one large inside joke. I'm so, so sorry.

Naruto ran.

He ran and ran and ran until Konoha was but a speck in the distance, until forest gave away to desert and desert gave away to ocean, but it wasn't possible to outrun the Infinite Tsukiyomi. It was, well, Infinite. He needed to break it. What he needed was a plan.

He had been fooled for a short while - who could blame him, a neglected orphan who suddenly had a pair of loving parents the adoration of his peers? But that was what gave it away in the end. Naruto didn't _get_ happiness. Had never known it in his life. That feeling of deep, serene contentment - it felt wrong to him. Unnatural.

That didn't stop him from wanting, though, Naruto thought wistfully as he stopped to heed the call of nature. A strong, caring father who cooked his meals for him. A badass mom who taught him cool jutsu behind his dad's back and shared his love of ramen. It was almost enough to make him forget, almost tempting enough to just give into it.

Almost. But it wasn't real. He couldn't go back to Konoha.

He sighed.

Naruto had just finished emptying his bladder when he stopped and noticed something. He blinked. Then he blinked again.

In his hand wasn't the average seven inches he had left behind in the dying real world. He couldn't quite measure it but coming out of his zipper was a throbbing member that would probably put Kurama to shame. He couldn't believe that this meat stick was his. He held his new rod for a few minutes longer, dumbfounded, before he suddenly moved.

Back in the direction of Konoha.

Naruto ran.

\------

Sasuke didn't blink.

Sharingan swirling in one eye and Rinnegan in the other, Sasuke took in everything around him. It was fascinating, really - it had been a long time since his eyes had been unable to discern a genjutsu. Then again, this was no ordinary genjutsu. The Infinite Tsukiyomi really was quite impressive, Sasuke had to grudgingly admit. He deactivated his eyes.

No matter, though. Their mistake was letting him remember, thinking that this false world would be enough to keep him drawn in. Such hubris would be their downfall.

What were a doting mother and a stern father? What was a hot meal made of love or sparse but invaluable words of praise? What was a brother that tapped his forehead and made promises of "next time" that he actually kept? Pale imitations and unnatural happiness couldn't seduce him.

Sasuke was an Avenger.

He was halfway out the door to get on with the Avenging when he heard a voice. He stopped. The sound of that voice demanding his eyes rang in his ears.

"Are you really going to leave the house like that? Foolish little brother," said Itachi.

"What are you talking about, Itachi?" Sasuke asked, neutrally. Your brother is dead, he reminded himself.

Itachi walked up to him and Sasuke felt himself stiffen reflexively. Forcing himself to relax, he met his brother's eyes for the first time since Itachi died.

Itachi poked his forehead. And then, with the same two outstretched fingers, he pointed down.

"You may want to do up your pants before leaving the house in such a rush," he said and walked away.

Sasuke bristled, hands flying to his ... fly. He didn't have time for this! He had to break the Infinite Tsukiyomi and avenge himself! He hastily pulled up the zipper, but found it a little more difficult to close than normal. There was some obstacle in the -

Oh.

What?

Sasuke stopped and stared. That was ... different. There was a reason that of Sasuke's only two life goals - avenge his clan, revive his clan - he had opted to put all his energy into the former. It was his secret shame, that he was a mere six inches. Below average. But now...

"Hey, Itachi!"

"What is it, Sasuke? Do you need help doing up your pants?"

"How big is your dick?"

"...I beg your pardon?"

"You heard me."

Sasuke smiled at the bemused answer. At last, he had outdone Itachi. He pulled his fly back down and took it out in all its glory. His smirk grew and he activated his sharingan even though he already knew this was only an illusion, and he already knew he couldn't break it.

He wanted to etch every detail of this into his memory, permanently.

Sasuke didn't blink.

\------

Sakura sighed.

“Hurry up, Sakura! Your dinner’s getting cold!”

“In a minute, Mom, I’m changing!”

It wasn’t all that different, and wasn’t that just the most pathetic thing? Sure, there were a lot of big, obvious changes – a village unmarred by Pain’s attack, only four heads on Hokage Mountain, and were those Uchiha police? – but for the most part, her personal life was entirely unaffected by the success of the Moon’s Eye Plan.

A long but satisfying shift at the hospital (two lost limbs, five cases of chakra exhaustion, innumerable bone fractures and bruises), a debriefing-turned-drinking-session with Tsunade-shishou (a Head Medic Nin who was happily married), and an hour at Training Ground Nine assessing the state of her abilities (okay, it was mostly standing around shouting “Kai!”) before heading home to see her parents. If she didn’t think too hard about it, she could easily trick herself into thinking she was home.

Well, except for one thing. Or two, rather.

Sakura looked down. She did her best to ignore them as she went about her day. There were better things to worry about – like breaking out of the Infinite Tsukiyomi, for example. But now they were staring her straight in the face. She checked the tag of her bra. Yep, that’s two cups bigger, alright.

What was she even doing?

Sakura wasn’t dumb. She knew that she was seen as the add-on, the nothing-special sidekick, the mere tail to the comets known as Uzumaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke. She knew that she had led an easy life, especially in comparison to those of her teammates. But this was ridiculous. Apparently, Otsutsuki Kaguya thought that the biggest problem in her life was _having small breasts_.

She wanted to break something. Preferably Kaguya’s face.

Sakura’s eyes slid over to the team picture hung prominently on her wall, a comfort habit she picked up over the last few years. Two sullen boys scowling at each other, a giggling girl, and a cheery sensei wondering how the hell he was going to turn this into a team. That was what she was fighting for. Not some – chest implants.

She bit her lip as she looked over to the next picture. And the next. And another one after that, for good measure. One for each year, each anniversary of their team’s creation. So maybe Kaguya wasn’t that much of a fool. Sakura wasn’t too proud to admit that these photos, the idea of her team unfractured and happy, managed to tempt her.

Naruto continued to scowl at Sasuke throughout the years, but she knew him too well: in each picture, the scowl lost a little more actual annoyance and gained a little more fondness. Meanwhile, Sasuke’s frown became a neutral face that gradually gave way to a full-on smirk. Even with the three years she had gone without seeing him, it was obvious to Sakura that he became more open and more comfortable with his teammates each passing year. And then there was Kakashi, who somehow managed to look identical in every picture, the same feeling of affectionate exasperation permeating from his single exposed eye.

She wondered where they were now. Were they in their own “perfect world” right now? Or had they escaped the genjutsu? It wouldn’t have surprised her. Maybe they were fighting Kaguya right now. If she closed her eyes and concentrated, she could almost hear them bickering like they did once upon a time.

“Look, dead last, mine is clearly bigger.”

“Even with your fancy new eyes, you’re blind! Look at this and tell me it’s not bigger than yours!”

“It’s precisely because of my visual prowess that I can tell mine is superior. I don’t even really believe that you actually know what an inch is.”

Wait.

She could hear them. And it almost sounded like they were talking about their...

Sakura ran to her window and stared outside. And she continued staring. Her eye may have started twitching but she couldn’t remember because out there, right out there on the street, her teammates were ... yep. That’s what they were shouting about in public, alright. With the proper accompanying demonstrations, too. What in the ever shitting hell –

A shoe went flying by. “ _Kyaa_! What are you doing? Perverts!”

“No, ma’am, you don’t understand – “ Naruto started.

Another shoe.

“Hn,” said Sasuke as he pretended he wasn’t just pelted in the face by a shoe. And also as if he and his teammate didn’t both have their flies undone with their...

Oh look, ANBU.

Sakura sighed, and went to collect her boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, I am well aware that seven inches is definitely not average.


	2. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas, you.

Kakashi runs, but he doesn’t really know why. He’s failed and his students – his cute, precious genin - are trapped in the Infinite Tsukiyomi. Obito’s last gift, the two swirling Mangekyou, is reaching the limit and he knows he doesn’t have a chance against Kaguya without them. Perhaps it is finally time to rest, for good this time.

Then his students fall out of the sky.

Before he could even say anything, Naruto and Sasuke both pull on their waistbands, reach down, and ... what on earth?

“Aw, dammit!”

“Hn.”

He turns his attention to Sakura, who thankfully had made no move to reach down her pants. Instead, both her hands are on her chest with an inscrutable expression on her face.

Kakashi blinks, then shrugs. Naruto and Sasuke begin an argument that he could probably find in one of his Icha Icha books. Sakura smacks them both on top of the head and points towards the distance, where Kaguya is approaching. The boys continue to snipe at each other but their body language becomes alert and all three of them look ready to kick some ass. Everything is right again in the world.

Kakashi gives a small sigh, equal parts amusement and exasperation, before shifting into a battle stance.

Just another day at the office for Team Seven.


End file.
